Dear Elf on the Shelf,

I hate you.

I wish I had never met you.

This morning I woke up and realized that I accidentally left you in the top of a closet in Texas at my mother’s house last Christmas and now she has to mail you back to me here in Oregon asap, because your impending arrival is December 1st. Apparently the last 2 or 3 years you have always shown up on December 1st and my son remembers this and is counting down the days.

You were already a hassle, but this is ridiculous. I should just go buy another one, but I am afraid my son will notice and the magic will be ruined. Granted, I feel like the magic should have been ruined by now. I mean every Christmas there is at least one, two, or three mornings when we all wake up and I realize that I forgot to move you the night before. So, there I am at 6 am barely awake trying to come up with some sort of asinine reason why you haven’t moved, all before I’ve had a single cup of coffee.Elf on the Shelf

And why do elves have to be naughty and make such a mess. Do you know what an idiot I feel like when I am making a mess in my own house that I will have to clean up the next day? I mean honestly, how in the world did millions of parents get sucked into this nightmare of a tradition. I’ve toilet papered my own Christmas tree, I’ve grated up styrofoam in my own house to make it snow, my sister and her friend got drunk and strung you up that one time…….where does it end!

Elf on the shelf

Not to mention your drinking incident.

I am now having to embark on my 4th or 5th year of this crap and I am running out of ideas. I am now wasting time searching through Pinterest trying to figure out what to do with you this year.

What’s really killing me are the letter’s you (I) wrote to my son. In them you told him interesting facts about yourself. Unfortunately, it was so long ago I cannot remember what you wrote. Now my son is writing you letters asking specific questions. WTH do I do now? I can’t remember the answers!

This might be the year I break and just tell my son the truth. Or maybe you will have a lethal accident this Christmas…….

Maybe my Elf on the Shelf post this year will be Gentle Ways to Kill off Your Elf on the Shelf without Crushing your Child’s Spirit.



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